The following advice is free, but it did not come cheap. It was earned the hard way. Which is another way of saying it was earned at the hands of my own stupidity and mistakes. Ours (ministry marriages) is a small society. Those who’ve not experienced pastoral ministry can never understand its unique challenges. The following is offered to the pastor (and husband) who is lost in the world of his own ministry. It is a plea to be a husband before you are a pastor and a friend to your wife before you are a preacher.
1) Allow Her to Enjoy Church
A wise man advised me once to park a block from home and walk the day off before entering my wife’s world. While I don’t literally park a block away I have applied the principle over the years. I do my best to “peel off the layers” before I get home. Innumerable evenings I’ve sat in my car asking the Holy Spirit to filter out all the finely nuanced cynicism and frustration that can build up. Pastors bring work home way too often. We have a way of dumping the world on our wives. Sometimes it’s direct. We take the filters off and let the complaints flow. Others times it indirect. We go inward and disconnect. Either way the message is clear – “The church is a burden” or “The church does not appreciate me” or “Being a pastor is hard.”
I’m not sure we understand what this (even in the smallest portion) does to our wives. Inevitably, they’re forced to take up an offense for their husbands against the church. Inevitably this cuts them off from true fellowship. Inevitably the joy of being a member of the body of Christ is gone. It’s a huge mistake to use you wife as your personal therapist. As a rule, I share very little of what I go through on a weekly basis with my wife and family. Obviously, there are those “need to know” moments, but those are few and far between. My wife was completely unaware of some of the more difficult ministry situations I’ve ever been through until it was all over. This was not because I did not think she could handle it, but because she does not need to handle it. After all, it’s all the same old story. “This sinner did this to that sinner…” We should direct any heaviness of heart upward to God, not at our wives. Let her love the church.
2) Make Sure She’s No Mere After Thought
I bumped into a colleague of mine recently whom I’d not seen in ten years. We crossed paths in the Old City of Jerusalem of all places. Needless to say, there was a brief and momentary commotion. Processing the providence of the encounter among so many people took a few seconds. It was surreal. About ten minutes later, after catching up on ministry, his wife who was standing behind him stuck out her hand and said, “And, I’m his wife.” It was painfully awkward. I winced. He winced. She rolled her eyes. My guess? She’d been stuck in the shadow of his ministry for a while.
It would be easy for me to criticize him for such an obvious oversight, but I can forget my wife in a hundred similar ways. Scheduling meetings without consulting the family calendar. Accepting speaking engagements without first determining how it might effect her and the family. Wanting to stay in and vegetate at the end of a long week of ministry disregarding any desire she may have for the opposite. If there’s anything your congregation needs to understand and see exemplified it’s your love and loyalty to your wife. If there’s anything your wife needs to see and understand it’s that you love her more than you love your ministry. If you don’t have your marriage (and her respect) you don’t have your ministry anyway.
3) Thank Her
There’s no way to accurately estimate the amount of impositions you place on your wife by virtue of your ministry. It’s an unavoidable part of it all (and not necessarily something she expects you to apologize for.) Whether you intend it or not, you and your life are high maintenance. Last minute meetings to resolve “pressing issues.” Ridiculously ill-timed phone calls (“Honey, I need to take this.”) Weekend sermon preparation at the very moment your family is most available. Impromptu counseling sessions. She may joyfully bear such burdens, but they are burdensome none-the-less.
Most of what you have in ministry (on the human level) is the result of that woman who quietly manages your life from the margins. There is so much she does for the church that will go unnoticed. Innumerable aspects of your ministry are leaned against her consistency. You’re able to do what you do because she does what she does. So, thank your wife. Often. And not for anything in particular (unless the moment calls for it) but everything in general. Not only in private, but also in public.
About The Author
Byron Yawn is the senior pastor of Community Bible Church in Nashville, Tennesse. He is the author of What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him, What Every Woman Wishes Her Father Had Told Her, and Suburbianity: Can We Find Our Way Back to Biblical Christianity? (Harvest House) You can follow him on Twitter @byronyawn.
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