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Whether we like it or not, the majority of our friendships have an expiration date. But they don’t always have to end acrimoniously, abruptly or even at all.
In most cases it won’t be a one-off friendship-altering event that takes place and leads to the breakdown of a relationship but a series of seemingly insignificant reactions to irritable or damaging behaviour, a failure to address underlying tensions or both of these and more.
Are your friendships at risk of any of these three common killers? Read on to find out if they are and what you can do about it.
Out of bounds topics
If you avoid talking to your friend about how they’ve hurt you or betrayed your trust because you’re afraid of upsetting the balance of your friendship, news flash: the balance is already upset. Likewise, if you don’t feel that you can talk to them about the fact that they’re living in a way which is damaging, then you’re not fulfilling your duty as a friend.
Like all healthy relationships, good friendships need honesty. That doesn’t mean you have to divulge your every waking thought. But it does mean that you shouldn’t hold back on the big issues or the reoccurring little issues that are bound to build up. By staying silent, these problems won’t eventually disappear but your friendship will.
Write a letter, send an email, meet face-to-face. Be open in whatever way you can and avoid fixing your mind on the possible negative outcomes of telling the truth. Instead focus on the necessary and restorative nature of honesty.
Faux forgiveness
Forgiveness isn’t always easy. In fact, most of the time it’s really hard, but that’s no excuse to try and avoid doing it for real.
Like faux designer goods, faux forgiveness is cheap, inauthentic and after a while it falls apart. If we’re going to forgive someone, we have to engage in the same kind of forgiveness that we’ve benefited from, the kind that comes at a cost.
Don’t give up if you can’t forgive at first. When the topic comes up with your friend, it’s perfectly OK to respond with an admission that you’re unable to forgive instantaneously but that you’re working on it. Accepting an offer to pray about the issue together or suggesting it yourself is a great way to show that you are actively striving to put the past behind you and are serious about reconciliation. Genuine forgiveness, no matter how long it takes and how hard it is, will always surpass faux forgiveness.
Comparison culture
When it comes to relationships that are long-lasting and loving, compatibility is key. But this doesn’t mean that your friends all have to be carbon copies of you. In fact, we can learn a lot from spending time with those who are different from us in all sorts of ways—and it helps.
So, if your friends don’t do things exactly how you would or see things exactly as you do, that’s OK. Constantly comparing ourselves to our friends and our friends to other people is a slow and sure way to plant seeds of resentment in our relationships. Our differences should be celebrated, not eliminated. Instead of dwelling on your reconcilable differences and viewing these as something to be fixed, think about how your friends’ unique traits help bring out the best in you, how their strengths compliment your weaknesses and vice versa.
